Obviously, people don’t have to have children to be in contact with them. Plenty of childless folk will spot at least a few of these quirks kids display, but you don’t generally realise quite how strange kids are until you have one yourself.
Sure, aunts, uncles, babysitters and teachers will have a fair idea that kids are mostly nuts, but the nuances of being a parent will often escape even the most astute child-wrangler in your life.
A List That Most Parents Will Nod Along With
Only parents tend to have encountered everything on this list (and if you’re childless but have nodded along to every point, I’m guessing you’ve been put off kids for life!)
1. NO ONE is thirstier than a child at bedtime
Your parenting responsibilities are almost over for the day. You tuck little Timmy into his bed. His teeth are brushed, he’s wearing clean PJs, you’ve read 4 stories and just as you’re about to kiss him goodnight he utters two words that stop you in your tracks.
“I’m thirsty,” he says.
After a few minutes of negotiation, you give in and get him a drink before spending the next hour-and-a-half escorting him to the toilet at twenty minute intervals.
2. Bedtime is also the most productive time of the day
After the thirsty-at-bedtime stage, slightly older children pick bedtime as the absolute best time to let you know they haven’t done their homework.
Sometimes it can be solved by getting up 15 minutes earlier the following morning. Other times you’re up all night making a fully working version of Hogwarts and wondering where the hell you’re going get your hands on ghosts and talking paintings at this godforsaken hour.
3. Going outside changes them
This one isn’t just for the parents. Every nursery worker, lunchtime assistant, teacher and TA will also attest to this.
The minute you fling open the door to the outside, a chemical reaction takes place internally, transforming your child into a banshee who loves to run.
Even the meekest of children suddenly feel the need to increase both the volume and pitch of their voice while they run aimlessly into the wind.
4. Wind is also bad
No, we’re not talking windy children, but the gusty sort of weather that fells trees and blows your fence down. For some unexplained reason, the windier it is, the more skittish and wild your children become. Interestingly, the same thing happens to cats so watch out.
If you’re a parent who also has a feline family, I feel nothing but pity.
5. The best smiles are reserved for the middle of the night
Babies spend all day being cute and lovable, then spend all night trying to ensure you don’t get any sleep at all. They know exactly what they’re doing and save up all their cutest facial expressions for when you’re at your most done-in.
They might even utter their first words at 2 a.m. as a ploy to con you into thinking its all worth it and you should give them a little brother or sister.
6. Footwear is only worn when it’s inappropriate or unnecessary
Parents often bemoan how difficult it is to get their kids to put their shoes on when told. This is a well-publicised side of parenting.
A lesser-known footwear problem is when they insist on bad footwear choices at inappropriate times. Anyone who has had to wait until their toddler has fallen into a deep sleep to pry their wellies off knows exactly what I’m talking about. As does the parent who has given in and allowed their obstinate tot to wear their fabric slippers to walk to the car in the rain.
We pretend we’re teaching them a life-lesson, but really, we’re just too tired to argue. I draw the line at the wearing of school shoes in the bath though.
7. They love to get dirty but hate to get clean
Messy play has always been a mesmerising lure for a child. Mud, paint, sand, or anything wet that your child can become encrusted with will bring great joy.
Children will cover themselves from head to toe in whatever sludgy texture they can scoop up and splat on, then they will refuse to bathe.
They will also refuse anything that might trick them into getting clean, like hosing them down in the paddling pool or washing them with a flannel. My daughter used to scream “IT BURNS” as I would clean her with a quick splash of tepid water. I swear my old neighbours thought I was a part-time exorcist.
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