12 Important* Things I’ll Tell My Daughter Before She Starts Secondary School

My daughter will be starting secondary school in September, and as her mother, I feel it’s my duty to prepare her for secondary school by imparting my wisdom.*

She didn’t go back to school when they first reopened after the lockdown, she’s had none of that all-important peer advice on moving up to secondary school.

Sure, she can read the prep-pack they sent out. I’m certain she’ll have guessed the standard advice of ‘work hard’ and ‘be kind’, but all the important stuff you learn from other kids won’t be covered.

I like to think it wasn’t that long since I was at school (it was about 17 years, but let’s not dwell on that), so I can give her just as much advice as her friends. Who knows, maybe even more than them since I totally completed school and now I’m functioning well as a pretty average adult.

*My wisdom is basically everything I remember about attending secondary school that is in no way related to actual education.

12 Important Things I’ll Tell My Daughter About Secondary School

This list is by no means extensive, so please do comment and let me know if I’ve missed anything!

1. Don’t sit at the back of the bus

The back of the bus is reserved for a special hierarchy. Usually occupied by older kids, it’s not somewhere that a new intake is permitted to sit. As far as I’m aware, you have to either earn it or be invited by someone who themselves, has either earnt it by being popular/old enough to travel in this coveted spot.

2. Don’t look under your desk

A decade’s worth of spoggy awaits. Don’t look under your desk if you don’t want to spend the next five years repulsed by your proximity to everyone else’s germed-up chewing gum. It’s just better not to know.

3. There will be a rumour of a murderous staff-member

Usually it will be a slightly crochety, older member of staff. There will be a rumour about that grumpy old science teacher, or perhaps the shouty caretaker being responsible for the disappearance of Little Johnny, the unfortunate child who answered back.

If it’s the science teacher, the rumour will be that he was dissolved in acid from the school’s supply cupboard (HA! – as if the science department are funded well enough to have such bountiful supplies). If it’s the caretaker, then a patch of very luscious grass will be forever eyed with suspicion.

4. Teachers ALWAYS betray you on parents’ evening

Even the cool teachers will tell your mum you could try harder and you could talk less. One of my science teachers once convinced my mum that I’d be Oxford or Cambridge material if I could just stop giggling at the back of the class. My mum still holds it against me now and I’m 33. (I’m also a graduate of Grimsby’s finest university centre, so who’s laughing now?)

5. The school ghost

British schools are rife with rumours of a haunting. Maybe it’s the old buildings – those ramshackle huts don’t look like they were made for the living. Maybe it’s the need for excitement that schools are so desperately lacking. Either way, when you start secondary school, someone’s big brother will tell you about the time they came face-to-spectre with a terrifying ghost in a deserted corridor.

If your school doesn’t have such a rumour, start one. Every school needs a ghost.

6. We can all see your orange Dream Matte Mousse

All schools have a no-makeup policy, yet nearly all the girls think they can get away with very visible makeup. I was included in this massive generalisation, and like everybody else at the time, chose to wore a thick layer of full-coverage foundation in a shade that was nothing like my skintone.

I’d ensure my foundation stopped at my jawline, like I was getting ready to cosplay as an Oompa Loompa but had to leave in a hurry. I’d then strop off to the loos when a strict teacher told me to wash off my makeup.

Bad makeup is a rite of passage, so I’m fully committed to letting my daughter choose her own shade of foundation, down the market with her friends on a Saturday afternoon.

7. Find out which teachers are strict

I was never naughty, but I did insist on wearing makeup when it wasn’t allowed. The only reason I got away with it most of the time was because I carefully studied my timetable and only wore makeup on the days disillusioned teachers morosely taught their classes without looking up. If I had a teacher who made eye-contact, I’d make sure to turn up with a bare face.

8. It’s NEVER too wet for cross country

Your PE teacher hates you and will insist you wade through a waste-high bog in the name of exercise.

9. Taking the register back is the swot’s way of skiving

I used to love taking the register back to reception and taking the scenic route back to class. I expect it’s all done electronically now, but on the off-chance, she needs to know that this is a teacher-approved way of getting out of work for ten minutes (15 if you’re creative).

10. Year 7 isn’t as grown up as you think it is

You’ll spend your entire first year congratulating yourself on how grown up you are now. Then you’ll come back after the summer holidays and be in year 8, seeing the true extent of how tiny and babyish you must have looked the previous year. Rinse and repeat for the rest of the time you’re in education.

11. Violence is never the answer

A playground fight will always draw a crowd, but to get the same excitement with none of that unsavoury violence, shouting “FIGHT!” and starting to run with a couple of your friends at your side will also draw the same size crowd.

12. Your friends will all be split up

This is a universal truth but you’ll also make new friends. In order to solidify and retain friendships, it’s always advisable to pull faces at your friend through the window in the classroom door when you walk past. Extra points if the teacher doesn’t notice.

 

I’m pretty sure this is everything she needs to set her up for secondary school, but if I’ve missed anything, I definitely want to hear it, so let me know!

 

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