Casual readers might feel a bit cheated by this revelation. I wouldn’t blame them, I’ve been catfishing you all for some time. I’m secretly fat.
I stopped posting regular fashion articles because I didn’t want the world to see my body. I remember a few months ago I when was heading to a blogging conference, I was worried no one would recognise me because I’m much bigger than my pictures let on. I felt embarrassed the people I knew online would see me in the flesh (all that extra flesh).
It’s not like I tweak my photos, or do any of those filters that slim your face along with adding dear ears and doe eyes. I’m crap at Photoshop and wouldn’t know where to start. I make the most of good angles and expert cropping. You see, I’m one of those secret fat people. It’s not easy to tell.
I’ve got a double chin, but it’s only small, so my jawline is only a little soft. If my posts show up in your newsfeed, you probably haven’t given a second thought to my size. Why would you? I look distinctly average. Completely unremarkable.
I’m secretly fat
Truthfully, below the cropped-at-the-shoulders photos I have flabby arms and belly rolls. I’m pretty rounded everywhere actually, and I’m a big fat fraud. This is what’s below that strategic crop:
Before the trolls come out, I’d better make it clear that there is nothing wrong with being overweight, that’s not my issue.
My issue is that I’m ashamed of how badly I’ve neglected my health and my appearance, while telling you lot how look after your own.
I’ve lied to you all about the way I look, while telling you to be confident as you are.
I’ve hidden behind headshots because I haven’t wanted to admit what’s below them. I’ve been embarrassed by my weight gain; not because weight-gain is bad, but because I’ve neglected my own well-being so badly that I managed to pile on 4st in two years. Yet I continue to put on a smiley front and tell you all how to look your best, while I’m not looking mine.
I should be ashamed for living a lie.
I’ve hardly worn makeup all summer, and all my best clothes have stayed in my wardrobe, while I drag myself around in what are essentially faded rags.
I have not taken very good care of myself for quite some time. I had got into some really bad sleeping and eating patterns, which I think has contributed to my ballooning weight and changed the way I look. My complexion suffered, as well as my waistline.
I’m starting to feel better about sharing a couple of full length photos (like these new clothes and this fashion post). I think it’s what has eased me into this confession.
While I think I’m able to make the most of the way I look – whatever my size, I still want to make some changes.
I’ve been forcing myself to get to bed at a reasonable time. I’ve also taken control of what I’ve been eating and drinking much more water. I’m determined to feel good again, and with that, I know looking good will follow.
From now on I’m going to try not to hide. I’m going to wear makeup and my best clothes once again. I’ll share full-length photos on my blog and Instagram. I’ll stop being so ashamed of my own self-care, because I’ll make sure my self-care is tip top from now on.
Who’s with me?
I could have written this Myself ! Well done Hun for writing this XXX
Thank you! I’m so pleased other people understand. I was worried I’d be misunderstood as fat-bashing or something when that really wasn’t what I was trying to say x
what a brave and honest post. Make those changes and celebrate in moving towards the you you want to be. #KCACOLS
Don’t be so hard on yourself! We all portray things a little differently to the outside world than maybe they really are. You’re not the first and certainly won’t be the last! What’s important is to be true to yourself, and kind to yourself which it looks like you are doing now! I too am ashamed of the weight I have put back on since losing it. I’m avoiding trying on my work trousers after 6 weeks off because I know they won’t fit. What I’m going to wear for work I have no idea! But I’m pretty sure I’ll be heading back to that slimming class I quit only 4/5 months ago, doing the walk of shame! Good luck on your journey. #KCACOLS
I know exactly how you feel, I lost weight and piled it all on over about 18 months. I don’t have many pictures of me on my blog or Instagram as I have zero confidence and worry what people will think of me. I am trying now to be my more open about how I look. You look lovely btw. Definitely not fat bashing and love your honesty x
It’s so weird, because people never do think badly of you when you fear they will, but you’re never convinced of it at the time! x
You look like you have made some big decisions and sound really positive and so you should, you look great and going to bed earlier is a thing most of us can take on board:) Great post.
Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next time.
Mainy
Thank you! I actually managed 8 hours sleep on Friday night! I’m starting to feel better, I’m walking more, drinking more ,and sleeping more! Hopefully I can keep it up and get healthier and happier before the kids break up for Christmas!
If there is a blogger out there that is exactly how they present themselves on line, I don’t know them. I’m not nearly as nice as I pretend to be #KCACOLS
Haha you’re right, I forget online isn’t real life and I shouldn’t compare!
I think you look wonderful. Well done for being you and getting back to your self care. I was amazed at how much difference water made to me when I started drinking it by the gallon everyday! #kcacols
Thank you! Water is honestly the elixir of life. It shouldn’t make much of a difference when you only have a tiny bit more, but it totally did! x
Good on you for writing such an honest post. And don’t be so hard on yourself – you look great! Self-care is so important and so easy to neglect (which I do all the time). I really need to work on it too. #kcacols
Thank you! I think I’m going to be a bit better at looking after myself now it’s term time. Due to bad planning and low funds, the summer was totally exhausting! x
Forget your weight. You are absolutely beautiful – quite stunning. Your hair and your lipstick are really striking. I think you look great! Pen x #KCACOLS
Thank you! That’s really kind, I wasn’t fishing! xx
I know all about the clever angles! I lost 19b before the summer then have put about 3lb back on over the summer, and I have another 19b to lose toffee comfortable so I’m all about a flattering angle or a cut at the shoulders selfie. I think you look lovely but I understand not feeling comfortable with yourself. No matter what people say, its hard to change a mind set when you feel a certain way. I look forward to seeing more fashion posts from you. #KCACOLS
Wow that’s still really good going though! It’s hard to feel comfortable with yourself if it’s not the self you’re used to seeing. I look forward to the day I don’t need a flattering angle! x
You are glorious! And you are on the road to health, no matter what you weigh. Health is what matters. Glorious! #KCACOLS xo
Thank you! I think health (over anything else) should be my main aim, and I think that should change a lot for me!
You are so brave posting this. I put on the same amount of weight after my dad died. I have started to lose some of it now and go to the gym a lot. I like you was upset by how much I had stopped looking after myself. I am trying harder to look after me.
#KCACOLS
It’s so hard to even realise you’re not doing a good job of looking after yourself if you’re not feeling good. Sorry to hear you lost your dad too xx
Such a brave and hones post but do make sure you take time to care for yourself. It’s great that you’ve started getting into a better sleep routine as it’s amazing how much sleep can contribute to your overall health and well being x #KCACOLS
Erm, I think you should retitle this blog post, as I’m secretly a gorgeous woman who is curvy, unique and strong. Size matters not unless you want o be a Calvin Cline model? It’s all about rocking the size that you are. I’m not there yet, but I swear we will get there! #KCACOLS