Regardless of how long you’ve waited to become a parent, building a relationship with your surrogate will make the difference between an easy going surrogacy and one fraught with anxiety and disappointment. Here are some tips that can help you build a relationship with your surrogate.
1. Acknowledge the Awkward
Be open about the situation and how you feel about the surrogacy. There’s no need to tiptoe around the obvious. Whether it’s a conversation about US surrogacy costs or how she came into surrogacy, open communication goes a long way.
2. Be Supportive
Find out what she needs. If she already has children of her own, she may need babysitting. She might need help doing her grocery shopping. Ask how you can support her and do what you can to make her pregnancy less stressful.
3. Be Flexible
Both you and your surrogate have busy lives and other stressors that affect you. The pregnancy may not always be at the top of her list of priorities, so it will be important for you to set realistic expectations and be flexible as things come up.
4. Establish Boundaries
All relationships come with boundaries. They could be as simple as respecting time and space, not calling at certain times of the day or night or just how familiar you get with one another. It’s easy to get caught up in seeing your dreams come closer to reality, but it’s just as important not to get carried away. People aren’t perfect and your surrogate is no exception.
5. Relax a Little
The last thing you want to be is overbearing. Undoubtedly, there will be a mixed bag of emotions as you await the birth of your new baby. It’s easy to feel helpless when someone else is carrying your baby and you have no control of the situation. But being overbearing will only alienate your surrogate.
6. Be Trusting
You and your surrogate are likely strangers, but that doesn’t mean that you cannot each offer teh mutual gift of trust. You’ll need to trust that she is committed to safely carrying your baby to full term and she’ll need to trust that you can respect her decisions. Creating a solid foundation will allow you to build a much more relaxed and organic relationship.
7. Be Honest
Honesty is the best policy. But it’s important to be honest with compassion. Be clear and upfront, and be willing to accept the same from your surrogate. You each should be able to communicate your needs openly and honestly.
8. Don’t Treat Her Like an Employee
Your surrogate is not your employee. If you start trying to manage her life and make an abundance of requests while putting unfair expectations on her, she will likely disengage and keep her interactions with you to a minimum. You’ll miss out on a lot of the details that way.
9. Be Respectful
Treat your surrogate the way you would want to be treated if you were in her position. Don’t forget that she has feelings too, and other responsibilities in addition to carrying your baby.
10. Create a Birth Plan
It’s helpful to establish a birth plan well before your baby’s arrival. Talk about what she wants and doesn’t want. Talk about what you want to happen. Be prepared to compromise or give up certain ideas altogether.
If you’re successful in building a relationship with your surrogate, you just might end up with a friend that lasts far beyond the birth of your baby. And if she would rather fade into the background postpartum, that’s alright too.