Women's Health

A Shout Out to Those Ladies Whose Boobs Never Meet in the Middle

I’ve never really been ‘blessed with a chest.’ I mean sure, I’ve got boobs and they’re not exactly small, but they never quite make it into cleavage territory. They just sort of sit near each other, never touching, on opposite sides of my body.

I don’t even know why they’re like this. I’m fat, by rights I should have a killer cleavage.

In fact, a great cleavage is the universal fat girl pardon. You have permission to be fat if someone can qualify it with, ‘yeah but your boobs look ace.’ I just get complimented on my hair.

Of course my hair looks good, it’s the only thing I can grow on purpose!

My thighs increase year upon year without me even trying (like some sort of body fat ISA with a great interest rate). Despite my heavier weight, my cleavage is still unimpressive.

I know there’s other women out there like me, so this post is for you (and maybe for me? Email me some good bra suggestions).

Some weird green statue of a lady whose boobs are pointing in opposite directions to symbolise that I can't get a cleavage

Maybe I’ve always had bad fitting bras. I haven’t been measured properly in years because I was dubious of a weird result I once got. Even with a Wonderbra I can only achieve passable cleavage with a bit of adjustment. I then had squeeze myself into some too-small clothing to add a little extra oomph. But now I’m fat, tight clothes just make me look like, well, someone who got fat.

Another thing putting me off getting measured is the possibility finding out I’m not a double D as I’ve been wearing but something ridiculous. Imagine being diagnosed as a 60AAA. I say diagnosed, because what a blow that would be; ‘Sorry Mrs M, it turns our you just have a really fat back. That’s why you don’t have a cleavage, you’ve just been pulling all your back fat to the front for the last decade.’

So for everyone out there whose boobs repel one another like two magnets with their north poles facing one another: I feel your cleavageless pain! I have no solution, except maybe to grow your hair so it covers your boobs like a mermaid. Then people can console you by telling you how wonderful you are at growing long strands of dead keratin from your scalp.

12 thoughts on “A Shout Out to Those Ladies Whose Boobs Never Meet in the Middle

  1. Nifty trick I learned is where the bones meet in the middle at the front, push them closer and stitch it together, not such a gap then! Also in terms of being diagnosed with a dodgy size I went from a 52e to a 46c!!! I lost my fat back and my now my boobs resemble snooker balls in a sock!! The joys of being a female!

  2. This made me laugh so hard! After breastfeeding two children I’m now blessed with crepe-paper spaniel ear tits. They are so darn saggy and if I don’t wear a bra I can sweep the floor with them. If only the fact they didn’t meet in the middle was my only problem 😉 #FamilyFunLinky

  3. You are hysterical! Mine always seem to point north, and never ever touch. My bra advice: NONE! I gave it up 4 years ago! Never going back! I’m free and loving every minute! xoxo #kcacols xoxo

  4. Ha I read this is the week and loved it then. I was certainly not blessed in this department. Hanging out in my armpits as we speak 😂 Thanks for joining us at #familyfun

  5. Bra measurements are sh** anyway. You know the right size? The one that fits and you’re comfortable in. There is no ‘correct’ size, because bras aren’t a biological condition dammit!!! (Just saying. Lol.)


  6. I love seeing that so many people are giving up on bras completely. I love that time when I’m home from work and officially clock off from visitors or work and de-bra, pure bliss!!

  7. Lol. You know you can create the illusion of cleavage with makeup too. I’ve only owned one wondebra and omg I loved it! I defo need to get another.

    Obvs my body has changed a lot in the last few years and I’m happy to admit that sometimes I’m stuffing fat in a bra. Cleavage smeavage. Checkout So Happy In Towns latest post which ironically is also about boobies and how we should embrace our bodies no matter what.

    Big booby love to you.
    Thanks for linking up to #KCACOLS

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