I’ve never really been ‘blessed with a chest.’ I mean sure, I’ve got boobs and they’re not exactly small, but they never quite make it into cleavage territory. They just sort of sit near each other, never touching, on opposite sides of my body.
I don’t even know why they’re like this. I’m fat, by rights I should have a killer cleavage.
In fact, a great cleavage is the universal fat girl pardon. You have permission to be fat if someone can qualify it with, ‘yeah but your boobs look ace.’ I just get complimented on my hair.
Of course my hair looks good, it’s the only thing I can grow on purpose!
My thighs increase year upon year without me even trying (like some sort of body fat ISA with a great interest rate). Despite my heavier weight, my cleavage is still unimpressive.
I know there’s other women out there like me, so this post is for you (and maybe for me? Email me some good bra suggestions).
Maybe I’ve always had bad fitting bras. I haven’t been measured properly in years because I was dubious of a weird result I once got. Even with a Wonderbra I can only achieve passable cleavage with a bit of adjustment. I then had squeeze myself into some too-small clothing to add a little extra oomph. But now I’m fat, tight clothes just make me look like, well, someone who got fat.
Another thing putting me off getting measured is the possibility finding out I’m not a double D as I’ve been wearing but something ridiculous. Imagine being diagnosed as a 60AAA. I say diagnosed, because what a blow that would be; ‘Sorry Mrs M, it turns our you just have a really fat back. That’s why you don’t have a cleavage, you’ve just been pulling all your back fat to the front for the last decade.’
So for everyone out there whose boobs repel one another like two magnets with their north poles facing one another: I feel your cleavageless pain! I have no solution, except maybe to grow your hair so it covers your boobs like a mermaid. Then people can console you by telling you how wonderful you are at growing long strands of dead keratin from your scalp.