Motherhood in England just can’t be replicated. The rest of the world pictures us as posh afternoon tea consumers, when in actual fact the reality is much more mundane and far less glamorous. We’re less Downton Abbey and more down-town crabby.
10 Things You Know to be True if You are a Mother in England
1. If you take your children to the park, these things will always happen: it will rain, there will be bird poo on the one functional swing and if you have a pram you will have a near-miss with some dog dirt (if you’re lucky).
2. If your friend has a baby, you buy them an outfit from Next or maybe even a fancy boutique because you want them to think you’re posh. You dress your own children in supermarket chic basics because you’re really not all that posh and they’ll only vomit on it anyway!
3. You put ‘a splash of cold’ in your cuppa because you know if you wait for it to cool naturally, it’ll be approximately 6 hours until your next opportunity to drink.
4. You buy your leggings from Primark and you have a maximum of three washes before they go see-through and everyone sees your bum when you wear a short top…
5. … but you buy them anyway because you refuse to pay more than £3 for leggings when you still have your baby weight to lose (even if it has been four years!). The only pair of leggings that cost more than that are your ‘best’ leggings, which mums only own one pair of.
6. If you somehow manage to get your child into a ‘good’ school when you live out of catchment, all the other mums will be dubious when you tell them you didn’t lie on your application.
7. Some days when you collect your child from school, they will be more excited to see the lollipop man/woman than you. You have to accept it, lollipop people are majestic beasts of great whimsy, and you are just the person who does the cooking and ironing.
8. School uniform always claims to be ‘non-iron’. School uniform always lies.
9. If you ever need to get a bus with a pram, there will always be one stubborn person who doesn’t move out of the designated seats for people with prams, forcing you to sit beside them. They will then spend the rest of the journey audibly tutting at how much room you, your pram, your other child and your pram bag take up.
10. If you take your tot to see an older sibling in assembly, when they spot them they will shout “‘iya!” at the top of their voice until they get acknowledged by either said sibling or the slightly perturbed head teacher.
If you think I’ve missed one, please let me know in the comments section!